Hercules: The B Movie

 "What do you get when you add Hercules and the '80s?...Lou Ferrigno!"

So Netflix doesn't have the Disney version of Hercules on instant (something about a Disney vault?) so I compromised. The 1983 version of Hercules is a cinematic masterpiece, which, you guessed it, won a Razzie for Worst New Star (Lou Ferrigno)! Not surprisingly, most everything in this movie is wrong--like I said in my very first post, I guess my dad wasn't the only one to mix up Greek/Roman stories with Moses. I don't know who was responsible for this film. And I really don't want to know.

So for starters, there was darkness and chaos. And out of this chaos came the elements: earth, wind, fire, air, you name it. Then there was Zeus, Hera, and Athena. There was slight mention  of the Titans, but not out of the context of Star Wars-like attire (I think the film makers were simply confused with costumes--one minute everyone is a space alien, the next they are dressed as Cleopatra and Mark Antony). At any rate, Hercules is born, and it is simply stated that he is mortal. There is no milk drinking, no separate Hercules half-twin. But the story goes on, and there is some argument over who will be king; Hercules, the prince, is almost killed, but the maid saves him by throwing him in a boat and pushing him down a river (the maid thing is somewhat based on the true myth, that the maid betrayed Hera). Yet again the confusion with Moses. Until Hera sends snakes to kill Hercules, in a way to "test his skill." We don't even get the feeling that Hera is slightly peeved at Zeus for fathering an illegitimate child. The only thing we see is Hercules shooting some gamma ray at the snakes and defeating them (Star Wars?).

Next we see Hercules growing up with his foster family: this much is true. However, Hercules' father is killed after a bear attack (Ursa Minor or Ursa Major), which has little to no real relevance to the actual myth. The story of ursa major: After Hera found out that Zeus cheated on her, she turned his lover into a bear. When the bear died it began living among the stars as the Big Dipper. As you see, there is no truth in this movie. Hurrah!

On to the Twelve Labors of Hercules--one would predict this as the plot for the movie. Wrong. You see the king give Hercules labors for reasons unknown (the true story being Hercules seeking forgiveness for his sins), and Hercules is ordered to clean the Augean stables (based on truth). In the process, he becomes enamoured with Cassiopeia, introducing the conflict of the story (when, in fact, Hercules had no relations with Cassiopeia at all). For some reason Cassiopeia is taken prisoner by King Minos. Probably because the real story goes that Cassiopeia is promised to someone else. That someone else not being King Minos, who intends to use her as  a sacrafice (hecatomb). Go figure.

The hydra

Daedalus comes in to play somewhere around here. I don't know why, as Daedalus has no connection with Hercules whatsoever. He was the artisan that built King Minos a labyrinth, and he was a very skilled craftsman (today when you hear someone say Daedalean, it means "complicated" or "convoluted"). For some reason this movie portrays him as a God. And for some other reason, he makes robot monsters that Hercules must defeat. Recall now that Hercules must go to the Underworld. Also recall that the Hydra, the nine-headed dragon, guards the entrance. But wait, the hydra was a robot?

There is also some confusion with Hercules and Odysseus. In this movie, Hercules lands on the island of Circe, the sorceress. She tricks him into going to the Underworld to find a Talisman. Neither of these stories is based on any myth. The only thing that comes close is Hercules' task to steal the girdle of the Amazon queen. Or stealing the Apples of Hesperides. Who knows what these filmmakers were thinking.

There was one scene about the Pillars of Hercules which was interesting. Anyways, Hercules saves Cassiopeia, and they live happily ever after. Even if you have the time to read this and for some reason want to see the movie, I advise you to please refer to the Disney version.