Hermes and Argus

 I scheduled an assignment that I never completed this week. Maybe I will just forget about it because I seem to have reached a block in my ability to work productively (those darn college apps). In lit class on Friday we were told to write a monologue, and this just happened to be what came out. I guess all is well, so maybe I can pass this off as an assignment? :)

Brief note: The story behind Hermes and Argus begns with Zeus, who (big surprise) cheats on Hera with a woman named Io. Hera becomes furious, so Zeus, in an effort to protect his lover, turns Io into a cow. Hera then sends Argus (the beast with 100 eyes) to keep Io enslaved. Hermes is sent by Zeus to slay Argus--he bores Argus to death with a pointless story--and it goes as follows:

"Why, greetings my gentle beast, may I chance hold your interest for a moment?
That is a pretty sow you have tied up there, plan to breed her soon?
...I am sorry, that was an inconsiderate question, the Mrs.
Would have me whipped me for it. I do apologize
But wait, creature, perhaps you could aid a gentleman in need.
You see, fair beast, it is my wife who does drone endlessly on,
'These nymphs' and 'those graces'--what is a man to do?
Is it pertinent that a husband not stray far from the barn? I think not.
For it not she, my Mrs., who brought me the greatest gift,
but another who took the pleasure. Oh sure,
Pan is not the greatest looker around, and what with his horns and hooves
He did chase nymphs into the water, but you must know--
His attempts at affection did not go unrewarded, for now
Pan is the greatest piper around! Why it makes me faint, not openly
For the muses, you see, might find it uncooth.
It was while listening to his musical reeds that I thought,
'Such a wondrous son!'
But, ho, you do have a very plump sow
Now how do you keep her cheeks flushed?
Throw a bale of hay at her feet every time you spot
an imp taking up quarters in the woods nearby?
I do believe you clever, beast, for with a hundred eyes
I suppose you could spy every muse from here to Thebes
But still keep a faithful watch over your dear sow!
(Oh I do humor myself)
Why, beast, what be your fair maiden's name?
She, so tame and so sweet, must have a timid name
Phoebe, perhaps? No? Artema? ...Io?
Ho, not Bessie, what an outrageous name for a sow!
Oh, now, you do seem quite at ease,
What with all but five eyes closed, so lend me them here
As my troubles with the Mrs. do seem to multiply,
So I shall breathe myself a sigh of relief. Now this merits a swig
--Cheers! It is quite often that dear Dionysus provide such drink.
The Mrs. agitates at the sight of my indulgences. I do say,
'Now lovely, do not be envious of a man's freedom
to drink. He has spent an exhausting day on his flying feet,
inventing fire and bribing the dead to cross the River,
while you sit here preparing the ambrosia and nectar.
You look after the little 'uns, I earn my place with Zeus.'
She did not take too kindly to that. You care for a swig?
Oh? No matter, you seem quite all right,
Yes quite asleep after all.
Yes, I say it so, your last eye just drooped close.
Now to make the Mrs. proud."